Thoughtful & Abstract: The Walking Dead: “Knots Untie”

In which Shawn & Kim discuss the extra dose of T&A this week and a bit of Jesus.

Shawn: I was surprised in general that they tried to air an episode opposite the Oscars. Despite being a Top 5 rated show, it’s like trying to go against the Super Bowl as far as ratings go. But now I see that they aired the least important episode of the past couple seasons. Anyone who missed this will quickly be caught up on the next “Previously on The Walking Dead“.

1.) I’ll throw the first Pun Grenade. The title gave me hope that this was finally going to be the Rick-ties-up-Michonne sex-games episode we’ve been waiting for. There were no actual knots. Instead, we get our most sexually active survivor, Abraham, and sweet, sweet Rosita. If only AMC was FX we would have seen a little more of Rosita walking off to the shower. This triangle with him and Sasha and Rosita seems to be some big set-up that I can’t see paying off satisfactorily. One of the three will probably die in the next few episodes and my money right now is on Abraham. And as a pennant-carrying member of Team Rosita, she can move on to Eugene or Sasha. Speaking of big A., his “When you poured the Bisquick, did you mean to make pancakes?” line was the first time I’ve heard it termed like that. But, dude, you might have some larger health issues if it’s the consistency of Bisquick.

2.) The Hilltop Colony. “Your world is about to get a whole lot bigger.” But it’s going to look a whole lot familiar. There have to be little groups like this all over the country / world right? So why does each one exist peacefully just working on some basic chores and landscaping until our group arrives? Then all hell breaks loose and people get killed and Rick has to step in and destroy their ideal existence and show their leaders to be assholes. I felt like we’ve been here at least three or four times before. These people are a little better at lawn work and eat fewer humans but was it really that unique than what we’ve seen? In general, Alexandria now feels like Direct TV and these folks at The Hilltop are settlers who have settled for Cable TV.

3.) A Very Special Valentine’s Day Episode. Abraham and Rosita/Sasha, Rick and Michonne, Maggie and Glenn. Love is in the air and it feels completely out of place. Learn a lesson from Arrow that completely got off track this season with love. Feelings are best left for Network TV. You are cable. Show off the pretty people, have some gore, and blow things up. Maybe it’s just how goofy Rick looked holding her hand while driving. Robot Rick read the stage direction in the script and reached over and grabbed her hand with as much feeling as I had vacuuming the living room this morning.

4.) The Fast and the Failed. You thought drivers were bad in your real life? Wait until the zombie apocalypse when drivers obviously can’t handle the very basics of navigation. I can’t for the life of me figure out how the Hilltoppers turned over that car and how week after week our group loses a perfectly good vehicle. Rick, don’t drive the two-ton camper into a freaking mud bog. It hasn’t rained in over a season, it’s always summer, and you drive into the only mudhole in a three state area. At this point, I would only ride with Daryl on his motorcycle. Holding onto his arms. Squeezing them tightly. What? I think the best solution for defeating the Saviors now would be to get them all new vehicles and watch them crash and burn in fiery deaths.

5.) I didn’t have a #5 but I see I didn’t mention that Maggie got a fancy new Victoria’s Secret bra. So #5 is Maggie’s boobs.

What say you, Kim?

Kim: Saddle up those ponies, people, because I am taking you straight to hell. I’m Kim and I’ll be your tour guide and personal driver.

1.) I was intrigued by the whole Denise/Daryl exchange where she’s trying to be nice and give him something healthy to eat and he’s all, “This looks like shit.” Why did that intrigue me? Mostly because I have baked things that turn out looking like dog shit and they taste pretty amazing. I wanted to know her recipe and I wanted to know why that entire exchange even took place. Are we setting up a Daryl/Tara/Denise threesome? I kind of need to know these things.

2.) Don’t get me started on the Rick/Michonne hand-holding. I do want to discuss the episode’s TMI moment, just briefly. You don’t say to your kid, “I would have told you about me and Michonne, but it just happened. I mean it just happened!” He should have slapped him on the back and yelled, “Get it, Carl? It just happened? Like minutes ago? I shot my load, Carl. My load!” Internet meme, here I come. Carl’s response, “It’s cool, Dad.” Cut your damned hair, you dirty-looking hippie. It’s not your patched-up eye that’ll give the wrong impression; it’s your damned hair.

3.) I had several laugh-out-loud moments in this show and you nailed one with the Bisquick/pancake joke – God love Abraham. But, there were things leading up to the end here that I can’t get away from and why I’m concerned about the future of the show. Obviously, my biggest concern is that I would like to have sex with Jesus. I think it’s all in his eyes. All of the sex. All of the time. And when I yell, “Jesus,” it’ll be like the second coming. Wait. What?

So, they’re rescuing those people who got their car entangled with some walkers, and they come across the first group. I swear I heard Rick or someone say, “We’re friends with Jesus!” [Cue up the “What a Friend We Have in Jesus” song.] A minute later, “It’s ok! We’re with Jesus!” This was like an advertisement for a local church and it made me pretty giddy. I was, however able to contain it for the rest of the group’s ride to the Hilltop Colony.

Now, fast forward to our gang getting the tour of the colony and they’re in the museum. Out comes Gregory, who announces, “Jesus! You’re back!” At first, I thought he was angry, because I’ve said this exact line to my kid when he’s suddenly rushed in the house, scaring the shit out of me. Gregory should have added, “it’s been three days! Where have you been?” Then again, I might have had to leave the TV paused for longer than three minutes for my laughter to subside. While we’re at it, let’s not forget this all happens in the Hilltop Colony. They should just go ahead and dub this place “Calvary” or, better yet, “Golgatha” so our religious overtones can be complete.

Throw in Jesus standing between Rick and the guys with the spears – Hello? They have spears, Jesus. Wait, are those velociraptors?

Never mind, wrong show. Jesus. Exactly. Add in his comment at the end about how he’s going along to save the world and we’ve got all of the makings of a Very Special Easter Edition of The Walking Dead.

This could only have been better if he had busted out some wine and said, “Drink this,” while handing out cookies. Speaking of cookies, why on Earth would they go off on a mission like this and not take Carol? I’m really going to need someone to explain that to me, because I’m really irritated how she saved all of their asses at Terminus and yet she gets pushed aside.

I’m not sure with why we’ve suddenly got one-liners and laugh-out-loud moments in this show. I’m not sure I totally hate it. But I think that Rick’s comment after killing what’s-his-name via a good old fashioned blood letting sums it all up: “What?”

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Shawn Bourdo

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