In which Shawn and Kim (and some fictional characters) offer advice to the gang from Fear the Walking Dead.
Shawn: I intercepted some correspondence from The Walking Dead characters. I’ve quoted just some of the pertinent parts.
1. Carl writes – “Hey, Matt. Get your crap together. I was shot and whined less than you. And Chris, put away the camera and get some knives. I almost bit it like four times by messing around. Everyone get their shit together before your dad goes crazy and starts killing other dads.”
2. Shane writes – “Travis, go ahead and sleep with Liza. What’s the worst that could happen? I mean it’s the apocalypse, dude.”
3. Dale writes – “If you are going to the desert, you best get a nice Winnebago. Don’t skimp. That thing has to sleep as many as possible and better have a damn good working toilet. And by the way, what does that mean “go to the desert”? How do you “meet at the desert”? Can you at least get some specific coordinates?”
4. Daryl writes – “I like you, Madison. You made good use of that fire extinguisher at the school, made the right move at the end to protect your family, and you have great hair that’ll probably get pretty greasy in the future. I know all about dealing with bitchy teenager girls – you gotta lay down the rules. I hope we get to meet up some day.”
5. The Governor writes – “What are y’all doing? The world is falling apart pretty quickly and yet nothing is happening. People might still be denying this but you have to go into action. Somebody somewhere, do something. I can barely watch this. Start banding together in groups, start gathering supplies and fish tanks. Well, the fish tanks can come later. But seriously, nothing is really going on right now. Are you trying to make a point about the government? If you are, it isn’t working. I would so own that town. Just do me a favor – be better.”
Be better. Please.
Kim: Please cut me some slack. I still have zero interest in any of these characters. I have learned (some of) their names. Kind of. Like your intercepted notes from experienced veterans, I’d like to give them some advice.
1) Someone needs to tell that one girl what’s going on. She’s old enough to hear the truth. “Your boyfriend is about to be a charter member of the undead. Also, he doesn’t draw well on arms. Love, Mom”. With her always running off, it’s obvious she’s a parallel to Carl who couldn’t stay in the damn house. You know what’s coming if you don’t clue her in, don’t you? Bye, Felicia. Or Alicia. Whatever.
2) Travis. Dude. You don’t just wander around a dude’s barber shop and home. That’s just rude. Maybe you could ask the dude for a haircut. You’re a bit puffy up top and you’ve got a long road ahead of you. If you get the cut, be sure to leave him a tip – canned goods are a nice suggestion. Also, your ex-wife saw you checking out the barber’s daughter. Not cool, buddy.
3) Maggie? Marcy? Whatever your name is. You’re going to need to learn how to use a crowbar. I could have had that cabinet open with just a butter knife. Also, stop crying. Suck it up, sister. Life is hard. Good luck weaning your kid off of the crank. It’s not like quitting breast feeding.
4) How are you guys going to survive in the desert if you don’t pack a whole lot of water?! I seriously haven’t seen anyone pack a single thing. No food, no water, no sharp objects. Good luck finding those things in the desert. You should have grabbed a giant can of chocolate pudding from the school.
5) I get that we’re supposed to be seeing the initial outbreak and that people aren’t sure what’s going on. But as my 11-year-old son so candidly points out, “Is this a parallel universe where no one has ever seen a zombie movie, except for that one kid? And he doesn’t really know, because he didn’t go for the brain when he attacked the principal. Come on, Dude!” .
Also, his revelation that the next episode is “their midseason finale” made me laugh. This hasn’t even gotten started and right now, I can’t wait for it to be over. Also, Daryl wouldn’t go for the mom. He’d scope out the daughter. Seriously.