Thoughtful & Abstract: Fear the Walking Dead: “Captive”

In which Shawn and Kim agree on two things: They are counting down to Preacher and they love Patsy Cline.

Shawn: I think all we need to do to start each of these reviews is just include the countdown to the first episode of Preacher. That commercial was the best 30 seconds of this episode. But instead I’ll start to unpack what I saw or at least think I saw in-between yawns.

1.) STEAK-UMMS. In the most uncomfortable seduction move of the season, Connor made Alicia a cheap steak that I think spelled out the words “do you like me because I like you.” Alicia acts tough but you know she’s drooling at this point from the smell of meat. It made me sexually uncomfortable knowing what I would have done at that point for even his cheap-ass steak. I guess the first thing Alicia should have asked while he was cooking the meal was, “Why isn’t this boat moving up and down on the water like my other boat?” La Vida Loca comes in and relieves Alicia of the steak dinner in a way that said, “I’ll take the bullet for the team here because Connor is creepy.” The added bonus of Patsy Cline made this a decent beginning.

2.) TRAVEX. Alex vs Travis. She’s back in the least surprising development of the season. We’re just tying up some loose ends here – get it “loose ends” and Alex was “cut loose”. So she killed the boy and was rescued by Connor and she didn’t get a Steak-Ummm or even a hot dog. They talk. And they talk. It’s symbolic of everything I don’t like about this season and show. I know I was watching it. I know Travis was rehashing his decision, and Alex was pretending to listen. In the end, I finished the episode and I have no memory of what they were saying. Did they makeout at one point? Was he in some kind of cell? I kinda black out when Travis is on screen.

3.) CAPTAIN MADISON. You know I have the hots for Madison. She’s so freaking cute. But there was a moment when she just became the Captain of the ship. Strand be damned. She’s an expert on all kinds of things all of a sudden that we had no idea she was even paying attention to. She’s a naval expert that treats her children like they are eight years old. Carol would have punched Madison in the nuts this episode. Even I was getting annoyed with her. Nick can only answer with the equivalent of “C’mon, Mom.” I think he’s a capable kid but when she’s around he falls back into infant mode. I’m running out of patience for my Madison.

4.) NICE SHOT, CHRIS. I hope this was just a way of showing us the learning curve. Chris shoots Reed in the face, actually the jaw, to “stop him from turning.” And it feels like more of a “I really like to shoot people in the face” move. Whatever. Chris takes out Reed who actually does turn into a zombie but it works perfectly to set up killing Connor. The weird thing is that the original plan to stop him from turning was a huge failure but they turn around with a half-ass plan to exchange Zombie Reed for their family and it is more successful than they could ever have hoped. It just feels like lazy writing.

5.) ET TU, CONNOR. Connor was being set up to be our Neagan. So are we really sure he’s gone? That arm was a pretty nice flesh wound. But did we see his entrails being dragged along the docks? Nope. I think we’ve learned that a quick amputation of an arm or leg and we’re good to go again. The group is pretty advanced in all other areas including preparation of cheap steaks, so maybe they’ve thought through the what if one of our men becomes a zombie and bites our forearm scenario. I am going to go on the record now as saying that Connor reenters our show before the end of the season.

I don’t have much else to add. It seems like I write less each episode. By next season I’ll just be writing “What the?”

Kim: Another week, another chance for me to share with you my feelings about this week’s installment. I loved the Preacher teaser! It’s gotten to the point where I turn on Fear the Walking Dead just to wait for that commercial. Have I recently told you all how excited I am about that show? With the cute guys? I hope some of them get topless.

Random thought: The Deadpool Blu-ray dropped this week! I am finally going to get to see it! I know, I know, you’re wondering what took me so long. Well, I’ll tell you. I have a 12-year-old and didn’t think it was appropriate to take him, even though he put up a good argument. I subdued him by telling him he could finally watch The Purge if he was interested and that’s done the trick for now.

I did, however, take him to see Captain America: Civil War because that’s just what we do in my house. While it was a very long movie, we both felt like no time was really wasted. There wasn’t a lot of superfluous dialogue and meaningless tangents. Speaking of superfluous and meaningless#8230;

I’m afraid this might have been the best episode of the season so far, and judging by the fact that it took me three paragraphs of unrelated content to get to the heart of the matter, you should know it wasn’t that great.

I do have a few thoughts, though, and if I had to sit through the episode in order to gain these thoughts, you should have to read all of these words in order to know them. It’s only fair.

The very best part of this episode was Daniel doing what Daniel does best, poking the bear. Well, maybe ramming the rod, but that’s another discussion for another time. I’d be on board with this show more if Daniel got to spend time every episode making someone feel pain. It was my favorite part of the first season, and I’m pretty sure it’ll be my favorite moment of this season. My only request: Teach Lou Emo Phillips how to properly aim a gun and shoot.

Nick, Nick, Nick. Let’s talk about your chosen hairstyle. The slicked back look isn’t for you. Then again, I’m not sure that anything is for you. Maybe a shaved head, I don’t really know. I mean, your mom is obviously styling her hair, so there’s a curling iron on board. Orgasmarelda is also managing to do something with her locks, so she’s probably got some product you could use, if you’d just ask nicely.

I’m not even going into how they all willingly set Madison in the raft with a crazed walker. How did they get him to sit still? Furthermore, it looked like it took some effort to get him into the raft, how on Earth did she get him out of it on her own? How did she get him to not make the groaning noise when they got out of the raft? Did she talk to him on the way over in her mom voice, warning him that if he didn’t behave, there’d be some serious consequences? “Just wait until your father gets home, mister.”

Other random thoughts:

Alex’s hair looked amazing. Travis pouts better than anyone on any show I’ve ever seen. I still hate him. Alicia is the Carl of this episode, nearly screwing up the rescue. I wasn’t aware that assaulting a boy with paper was even a thing. The pregnant chick is irritating, and obviously hates anyone who is pretty. This is a pretty common sentiment among very pregnant women so kudos to the writers for nailing that one. Jack is even more irritating. What is up with his hair? Is he a vampire? This entire show is irritating and from the previews, looks to become even more so, if that’s possible. Preacher is just around the corner. YAY! I didn’t see a commercial for Norman Reedus’ new show and that makes me sad, because we all need to see his arms on a regular basis. Nice product placement for Omaha Steaks. I prefer their twice-baked potatoes though. Where’d they get the video of a snowboarder? Couldn’t they have put anything better on that TV? Maybe a little Judge Judy? Can we have more Patsy Cline tunes in future episodes?

Why am I still watching this show?

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Shawn Bourdo

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