From the Couch Hole: Let Me Tell You a Tale

Previously on FTCH, the God Emperor of Dune was on the carefree highway with bad Ronald. They ate Coca-Cola Oreos while they watched Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster. This week the temperatures were summer, but baseball playoffs and the start of the NHL season reminds me that a cool down has to be close. Carrie was on the old Spanish trail for some night ghoulery. There was a Salem’s Lot chainsaw massacre over the new FrankenCakes. Remember, at FTCH enjoy the go.

Pop Culture Ephemera

• Stephen King – Carrie (1974) (Doubleday): “And then the world exploded.” On the 50th Anniversary of his debut novel, the themes that resonated with the post-Watergate audience, still play well today. This was my fourth reading of the novel, which breaks a tie with at least three other King books to become the leader. It’s into the rare territory of All Quiet on the Western Front, Tom Sawyer and Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe as my most-read novels.
  
  There’s not the narrative control that King would show in future novels. What you get is the first fits and starts at finding a voice. The story is uniquely told from years after the events through excerpts of scholarly journals, newspaper/magazine articles, and government hearings. The “current events” of the story are told through multiple characters, including Carrie. There is no effort to hide the tragedy and deaths from the very beginning. What is missing, that would probably happen in a version told today, is that there is only a hint at the government conspiracy to cover up the events. It would take a few years to get to Firestarter (1980) where the government wants to use the powers as a weapon. I enjoy the book, not as King’s best, but as a story that includes the ingredients that will later make some of my favorite books.

Buy Carrie Mass Market Paperback

• Tiny Toons Adventures – “Night Ghoulery” (1995) (Special) (FOX): “My ultimate petsy-wetsy is almost complete! All that’s missing is… The Bwain!” – Elmyra. I was much more in-tune with Animaniacs in these mid-’90s. The more I watch Tiny Toons Adventures, the more I appreciate the parody that was happening here. This Halloween Special is that in name only. It was created to air for Halloween 1994, but was delayed until Spring 1995. It’s the last hurrah of the voice cast as the original characters. The hour-long special is set up as a parody of Night Gallery. The paintings are fun introductions to each story. The parodies are clever and certainly aimed at an older crowd. The stories include takes on Duel (now called “Fuel”), The Hound of the Baskervilles, Night of the Living Dead, and even Abbot and Costello’s Hold That Ghost. I chuckled at much of this. I don’t know where to find current shows that are doing work like this.

Buy Roy Rogers Double Feature (Ridin’ Down the Canyon / On the Old Spanish Trail) DVD

• Roy Rogers – “On the Old Spanish Trail” (1947) (from On the Old Spanish Trail): “Desert stars high above / Seem to say ‘Fall in love’ / So we talked of June honeymoon” He was the King of the Cowboys, but by 1947 he was playing Roy Rogers instead of whatever his character’s name was in the film. It is worth a quick watch, but it’s as generic Roy as it gets. Rogers is in town in Iowa with his Sons of the Pioneers. There’s a missing payroll and Roy helps fight the Man for the helpless townfolk. This song might be as iconic as the work he was doing in the ’30s, but it has stuck with me since hearing it on a compilation of cowboy songs years ago.

• Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) (Directed by Tobe Hooper): “For them, an idyllic summer afternoon drive became a nightmare.” – Narrator. It’s odd that this film had a heyday in the era of the Midnight Movie in the ’80s and has been absent from theaters except for rare anniversaries since then. My first viewing was at a midnight showing in Kalamazoo sometime around 1985. Seeing it again on the big screen this past week, I was reminded of how much better it plays in theaters as opposed to home video.
  
  The film comes from an era where the biggest horror was that there was something happening behind closed doors that we would stumble upon. The fear of the unknown is a subject of many horror films. What we get from Tobe Hooper is a grisly story that never attempts to explain the cause of the horror. It’s a film that starts in the sun and heat of Texas and descends literally into darkness and doom. The rest of the film is mostly a soundtrack of screams. In the hands of a less-talented director, this would be unwatchable exploitation (see some of the remakes as illustration), but Hooper controls the tempo with a deft touch. The horror genre is pushed leaps forward by this film, even if you don’t love some of the paths it opened up.

• ‘Salem’s Lot (2024) (Directed by Gary Dauberman): “They used to tell us stories about this place.” I’m a big fan of the Stephen King novel. The content is worthy of somewhere near 12 hours of storytelling. The two previous adaptations were miniseries for a reason. The two hours here hit the highlights of the book, but it loses the heart of the horror. The book is terrifying because of the slow creep takeover of the Lot by vampirism. The shouts of Ben Mears (Lewis Pullman) and his girlfriend, Suzanne (Makenzie Leigh), as the town doesn’t want to believe what is happening is a delicious tension throughout the first half of the book. The cast manages to create an entertaining two-hour film. The vampire makeup effects are excellent, and I’d like to see more of that. The director was a writer for the two-movie series of IT (2017), so he understands how to adapt the best parts of a King novel. I was disappointed at the treatment of Father Callahan (John Benjamin Hickey) who fans know is important to King’s Dark Tower series. This should have been a film we saw at theaters in Fall 2022, but here it is on MAX in Fall 2024. Enjoy this as an appetizer, and then go read the book.

Buy Salem’s Lot Paperback

Best of the Rest

• Apple shows off their products the best of almost any other company. Imagine what John Ford or Buster Keaton could do with an iPhone 16 Pro. The song “Roll the Credits” by Danielle Ponder fits the mood of the advertisement.

• Three of the best shows The Bear (Hulu), Only Murders in the Building (Hulu) and What We Do in the Shadows (FX) play nicely on the schedule. They don’t have much overlap, which helps this old man keep up with them better than some other shows. The trailer for the final season of Shadows gives me such a huge smile.

• Entertainment Weekly (3/28/97): “Best Commercials of All-Time” #49 – Mentos: “The Freshmaker”. Did we overrate these ads in their day? Obviously. It’s a kitschy ad for a kitschy candy that few people knew about until these ads. I guess that makes it a successful commercial, although not a “best” in my opinion. It’s cringeworthy today.

Sunday Morning Tuneage Flashback

• On the Sunday Morning Tuneage from 4/26/2009, it was one of my favorite weekends of the year when I got to see Dee perform at three different recitals on that Saturday. I was feeling under the weather, so it was a light Sunday ahead. My #53 Favorite Movie of All-Time was Schindler’s List (1993). Is it still a “favorite” of all-time? I’m not sure that’s a great term for it. I have at least five Spielberg films that I enjoy better. It’s important and for that alone, a top hundred rating is deserved. This week King of the Hill (Fox) reached 250 episodes even though I wasn’t watching weekly any longer. Lost (ABC) reached 100 episodes, which I barely remember it going that long. The writing was on the wall that My Name Is Earl (NBC) was coming to an end, which I bemoaned because this show was a nice alternative to the “type” of comedies that NBC was airing on Thursdays. My list of the week definitely deserves a second look.
  • BEST NFL UNIFORMS OF ALL-TIME (2009)
    • 10. Green Bay Packers – Yellow pants/Green jersey. Ugly color combo, but by winning they pull it off.
    • 9. Oakland Raiders – Silver pants/Black jersey/Silver helmet. I never liked them but always admired the uniform.
    • 8. Denver Broncos – John Elway era. White pants/Orange jersey/Blue helmet. I miss that classic look. Their new blue was cool at first, but now it seems pretty average. I love the old horse inside the “D” on that helmet too.
    • 7. New England Patriots – The Super Bowl-losing uniforms of the ’70s and ’80s. Those white pants and the red jersey with the white helmet with the Patriot dude snapping the football. If the Bears had worn their black jerseys in that 1986 game, it would have been the best uniformed Super Bowl of all-time.
    • 6. San Diego Chargers – The uniform through the Fouts/Winslow era with yellow pants, blue jersey and blue helmet with the yellow bolt. I don’t even mind the powder blue uniforms from time to time.
    • 5. Chicago Bears – White pants/Black jersey/Simple “C” on the helmet. I don’t like the white-jersey variation.
    • 4. Cleveland Browns – I like it simple. White pants/Brown jersey/Orange helmet. Somehow this always makes football players look tough.
    • 3. Detroit Lions – If they ever won these would be the best ever. They’ve got the best blue around. Silver pants/Blue jersey/Silver helmet. Just win finally, boys.
    • 2. Pittsburgh Steelers – Yellow pants (cooler than the Packers)/Black jersey (with yellow names on the back)/Black helmet (logo on one side only). These are really hard to beat. It looks great on snowy games in December.
    • 1. Dallas Cowboys – This isn’t just because I root for them now. I’ve always loved the classic white and the fact that they wear white at home. Silver pants/White jersey (with blue number)/Silver helmet (with blue star).
  • BEST NFL UNIFORMS OF ALL-TIME (2024)
    • 10. Buffalo Bills – White pants/Blue jersey/White helmet with the blue buffalo and stripe down the middle. These have mostly been their home uniforms since 2011. It’s a classic combination of colors that always looks cool.
    • 9. Atlanta Falcons – White pants/Red jersey/Red helmet with black falcon. It always looks like Steve Bartkowski and Alfred Jenkins are out there when I see these awesome colors.
    • 8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – White pants/Creamsicle jersey/White helmet with Bucco Bruce. These were the look for 20 years from 1976 to 1996. It took years for them to grow on me, but now they are part nostalgia and part love of something different.
    • 7. Cincinnati Bengals – White pants with tiger stripe/Black jersey with tiger stripe shoulder/Orange and black tiger stripe helmet. From 1981-1996, these were the Bengals home uniforms. It is always Halloween at a Cincinnati home game
    • 6. Houston Oilers – White pants with Columbia blue stripe/Columbia blue jersey/Columbia blue helmet with white oil derrick. These were the Home version. I could be convinced on the Road version that subbed out for a white jersey. The bonus here was the sweet Columbia blue knee socks. It’s too bad we only see these rarely as throwbacks every few seasons. I still see Billy “White Shoes” Johnson dancing in the end zone with this uniform.
    • 5. New England Patriots – White pants with the red, white and blue stripe/Red jersey with the blue and white stripe on the shoulder/White helmet with Pat the Patriot. The home uniform was only from 1984-1992. I had to double check because I imagine every Patriot I’ve ever known until Tom Brady in this classic.
    • 4. Green Bay Packers – Gold pants with green stripe/Green jersey with gold collar/Gold helmet with white “G”. It’s stood the test of time. You can watch black and white footage of the team and still see this classic color combination in your head. This Home jersey is the definition of iconic in the NFL.
    • 3. Dallas Cowboys – Silver pants with blue stripe/White jersey with blue stripe on shoulder/Silver helmet with blue star. These road uniforms have been consistent since Roger Staubach was leading the team in 1974. They have interesting combinations for Home uniforms, but this is the most pleasing combination to my eye.
    • 2. Los Angeles Rams – Yellow pants/Blue jersey with yellow numbers and yellow stripe on the shoulder/Blue and yellow ram horn pattern helmet. Preferably the gray facemask as opposed to when they briefly went to the blue facemask. The only white is a stripe on the pants and the nameplate. The team frustrated me as a kid, but the uniform was close enough to my Michigan Wolverines scheme that I loved it.
    • 1. San Diego Chargers – Gold pants/Powder blue jersey with gold bolt/White helmet with gold bolt and jersey number on the helmet. These were the Home uniforms from 1966-1973 and brought back in 2002 until present. More often than not now, they wear the white pants, which are a close second in coolness. The Lance Alworth version looks like a lighter blue when you compare the pictures. The fans love these uniforms, just scan the crowd at any Chargers game. My love of blue uniforms is a little obvious in this list.
  • There were a few classic uniforms that fell off my list because there just wasn’t enough room. The Steelers, Raiders, and Bears still have a good look. In general, the Color Rush and the old, old throwbacks are a bad look. That Steelers Jailbreak pajamas uniform hurts my television. The overall worst have nothing to do with how I feel about the team, but the Seahawks roll out some really awful modern uniforms. That’s even more sad when you look at their classic uniform from the ’70s.

1974 in Review

• October – Vault of Evil #14 (Marvel): Cover by Ron Wilson. I was a sucker for these books that reprinted four stories from older Marvel books including Uncanny Tales, Strange Tales, and Astonishing. Stories with art by Steve Ditko and Gene Colan make these value purchases.
• October 13 – Jane Chastain joins Don Cirqui and Irv Cross as the first female commentator on an NFL game for CBS on the New Orleans Saints vs Denver Broncos game.
• October 21 – The Oakland A’s would take the first All-California World Series, 4-1 games to become the only three consecutive winners other than the New York Yankees. The Oakland players would earn a $22,219 each as the winning team. This was the first World Series to be clinched at night.

What the Hell Did I Put in My Mouth?

“No Silver spurs, tingle like hers and mine
It was music divine, but now it’s gone
Pardon me if I sigh
Yi yi yi yi yi yi” – Roy Rogers

Stay hard.

Shawn