Division III: Football’s Finest Blu-ray Review: Andy Dick Jokes Do Not a Movie Make

For those of you who have ever found themselves lying awake in bed, unable to sleep, fathoming mysteries such as “Who in their right mind would hire Andy Dick to star in their movie?,” your ship has just sailed in with Division III: Football’s Finest. Marshall Cook, a young lad who produced and edited House Arrest with Andy Dick, has somehow felt the urge to expand a short film he made with Dick in 2006 (also called Division III) about a vile creature named Rick Vice who is hired to coach one of the nation’s worst college football teams ever when the old coach dies from a heart attack.

Vice (Dick) is a racist, sexist felon who snorts coke, teabags his pupils whilst they’re working out (warning: footage of Andy’s actual sac is dangled upon an unfortunate actor), and has to make at least one impertinent reference to Mexicans or the private portions of a man’s anatomy every minute. The team in question is called the Bluecocks, which should give you some idea as to what to expect from all of the other performers, including the aforementioned Cook, who co-stars as an unenthusiastic lad on the team — and who also took a whole year to edit his whole damn movie on his laptop (which should also tell you something about the production of this turkey).

Basically, Division III: Football’s Finest is a 98-minute ode to unnecessary raunchiness. The humor — and I use that word with great reluctance — dies out within no time at all, leaving its viewers to sit there and suffer. I could see a short film working out just fine (well, you get what I’m sayin’), but this feature version runs out of steam in a flash. What’s worse is Cook decided to add a few “serious” bits into the fray towards the end of the film, so the end-result goes from vulgar to crude to slightly sensitive. Ick, people, ick. Adam Carolla, Will Sasso, and Sally Kirkland lend their names to this shoddy affair.

Image Entertainment (who co-financed this one) releases Division III: Football’s Finest to Blu-ray with an annoying menu and several special features, including an audio commentary by Marshall Cook and Andy Dick, outtakes (most of which are featured in the end credits), a couple of deleted/extended scenes, and a trailer. Bonus goodies or not, this one’s terrible no matter how you look at it. I can’t even see college brahs owning this one in their library.

Do yourself a favor and skip it.

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Luigi Bastardo

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