From the Couch Hole: Our Conversation Was Short and Sweet

Previously on FTCH, the wolfs stole this old heart of mine with a blitz to Burger King for the fried pickle ranch Whopper. I was spirited in perpetuity for the Cinnamon Chex. This week I’m coming off my teams starting 2-1 the first weekend. Pray for my older team this season. I have a toddler in the house this weekend for the first time in decades, and I couldn’t be happier for my niece, her husband, and little Chloe to be here. This week the instigators told Elf, “You’re a big girl now.” Harry O. would fly me to the moon for some citrus blackberry during a Johnny Depp movie. Remember, FTCH is the closest thing to a perfect shave.

Pop Culture Ephemera

• Elf (2003) (Directed by Jon Favreau): “You sit on a throne of lies.” – Buddy to Gimbel’s Santa. Jon Favreau was still five years away from launching the modern-day MCU with Iron Man (2008) when he gave us what is one of the signature holiday films of the 21st Century so far. I saw this in theaters with a sold-out crowd for the first time since it arrived in 2003. It’s striking how what is an innocent Christmas story of faith and love, also manages to be a charming romance story, and doesn’t insult the adults with the humor. I love the use of older actors who mean the world to me that wouldn’t register for younger viewers. The roles of Bob Newhart, Ed Asner, James Caan, and Mary Steenburgen all help add seriousness to the message of the need to have faith. As a bonus, they are also all talented comedians. The film has aged well, and I imagine this being a generational classic for years to come.

Buy Elf Blu-ray

• Harry O – “Eyewitness” (1974) (S.1 E.6) (ABC): “Some days it doesn’t pay to pursue your hobby. Some days your hobby can turn on you. Your hobby tries to hit you, hit it back. That’s what I always say.” – Harry Orwell narration. David Janssen plays Harry Orwell, a former San Diego cop who was forced into retirement by a shot in the back. He’s living at a beach house on Coronado Island, fixing up his boat, The Answer, and hiring himself out as a private investigator. This episode is typical outsider detective fare where Harry seeks to exonerate the son of the nurse who helped him from a murder rap. This show is sorely underrated. The character is a loner who operates in the tradition of the best hard-boiled detectives of Dashiel Hammett and Raymond Chandler. The second best thing about this first season is that it’s filmed all over San Diego. I love seeing familiar street corners from 50 years ago. The topper is a wonderful Janssen voiceover that really makes this a unique show in the Golden Age of the Detective show. This episode exploits those noir elements more than most and throws in a dose of the Soul Cinema of the day. Seek out this show.

Buy Bob Dylan – Blood on the Tracks CD

• Bob Dylan – “You’re a Big Girl Now” (1975) (from Blood on the Tracks): “Time is a jet plane, it moves too fast / Oh, but what a shame / That all we’ve shared can’t last.” At the start of 1975, Bob Dylan gave us one of his touchstone albums. There might be better songs here and there in his work, but Blood on the Tracks is his best work from top to bottom. There isn’t a dud in the bunch, and the sound is terrific. When he sings “you can make it too,” there’s melancholy and hope both wrapped in the phrase. The harmonica might seem superfluous, but I love the blues type of longing it adds to the song. This album will be on frequent play in 2025 as I delve back into 1975.

• Instigators (2024) (Directed by Doug Liman): “Don’t turn this into another bag o’dicks.” – Mr. Besegal. When you have a Damon/Affleck movie going directly to a streaming service, you shouldn’t be surprised that it’s Casey Affleck. It’s a testament to the money and influence of Apple that the Doug Liman (The Bourne Identity, Swingers) film has Matt Damon and not some Ned or Clark Damon. The script doesn’t waste much time with backstory. Matt Damon is a retired Marine with PTSD and Casey Affleck is an alcoholic who are teamed up to help with a heist. The heist goes wrong and well, that’s it, the heist goes wrong. Damon is the straight man and Affleck tells a ton of one-liners. There isn’t a chemistry between the two, and the plot is as quickly forgotten as it is watched. It’s what you might typically refer to as a “popcorn movie”: enjoyable while you are consuming it but ultimately nothing sticks. I would have loved to see a similar film in the hands of the Coen Bros to bring out the quirkiness of good actors involved in this work. In the end, there’s just no heart to back this up.

• Fly Me to the Moon (2024) (Directed by Greg Berlanti): “The last thing that we need around here is a black cat.” – Cole Davis. As I’m catching up on 2024 films that I’ve missed, I’m definitely seeing the Apple formula. Find two top-shelf stars (Scarlett Johansson, Channing Tatum) and surround them with a couple of quality supporting actors (Woody Harrelson, Ray Romano, Jim Rash). The next task is to find a familiar name to direct. In this case, Greg Berlanti, known mostly for television like Riverdale, Dawson’s Creek, and the Arrowverse, takes the helm. The result is a professional-looking film that has just enough entertainment value that you don’t hate it, but there’s just no heart to it. Channing Tatum is the weak link. It’s not his humor, but the role of NASA launch director that doesn’t fit. His evolution from workaholic to romantic partner just doesn’t make any sense. The film doesn’t have good balance between a ’60s-style romantic comedy (where it works best) and being a political satire surrounding the Apollo moon landing. It too often had the feeling of a television director who is putting together a series of scenes to fit between commercial than a cohesive film. Watch for Scarlett Johansson as the female Don Draper and don’t try to make sense of any of the historical background of the plot.

Best of the Rest

• There have been a number of covers of Dylan’s “You’re a Big Girl Now.” It’s only in the past 15 years or so that there’s much going on with them. I like the My Morning Jacket version, but it’s this cover by Travis that interests me the most. The cover was originally recorded in 2001, and it manages to capture the sound of that era without losing the charm of the pared-down Dylan version.

• The good folks at Aardman Animation have always been active in the advertisement field. Their biggest star for the past decade has been Shaun the Sheep. They’ve teamed up with Barbour to advertise for nice warm jackets this holiday season. It’s a simple ad, like most of the Shaun the Sheep shorts, but it’s got the necessary level of both humor and pathos that make a great holiday ad.

• Entertainment Weekly (3/28/97): “Best Commercials of All-Time” #40 – American Express – “Lost at Sea” (1994). Jerry Seinfeld was an excellent match for American Express in the 1990s. He had just the right attitude and dry sense of humor that American Express needed for what had been previously advertised as an elite card. This line of commercials combined humor and a message that anyone could get an American Express card. For excellent use of humor, I can accept the rating for this ad.

Sunday Morning Tuneage Flashback

• On the Sunday Morning Tuneage from 6/28/2009, with baseball season over for the boys, I picked up the softball bat again for the first time in years. I only played for a couple seasons, but I miss those days. My #23 Favorite Film of All-Time was Saving Private Ryan (1998). Spielberg was well represented in my Top 25. I’m not sure I’d put the film that happens after the first 24 minutes as high in the ratings. It’s a good film, but the script has faults that probably make this in the latter quarter of the Top 100. I was curious about positive reviews of Nurse Jackie (SHO) but never watched it. So You Think You Can Dance (Fox) was still one of the few shows that brought the family together in the summer. That only leaves a list that I probably haven’t thought of even making in the past few years.
  • BEST JOHNNY DEPP FILMS OF ALL-TIME (2009)
    • 10.  A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984):  Great debut – made me take notice.
    • 9.  Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas (1998)
    • 8.  Dead Man (1995)
    • 7.  Arizona Dream (1993):  Underrated – surprising how many people haven’t seen this little film.
    • 6.  Donnie Brasco (1990)
    • 5.  Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)
    • 4.  What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (1993)
    • 3.  Cry Baby (1990):  Johnny and John Waters need to get together again soon.
    • 2.  Ed Wood (1994):  Brilliant.
    • 1.  Edward Scissorhands (1990):  The first pairing of Depp and Burton is still my favorite.  Vincent Price helps too.
  • BEST JOHNNY DEPP FILMS OF ALL-TIME (2024)
    • 10. Blow (2001): There’s so much wrong with this film, and yet I love his casting here with Penelope Cruz.
    • 9. Platoon (1986): Depp and Oliver Stone should have worked together more often.
    • 8. Cry Baby (1990): Depp as Elvis seen through the eyes of John Waters worked better than it had the right to.
    • 7. Secret Window (2004): I didn’t appreciate this film until after I read the Stephen King novella it is adapted from. The character in the book descends into madness at each step of the way, and Depp captures this despite problematic script choices.
    • 6. Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl (2003): These always are about 30 minutes too long. Depp is so well cast that I can’t mentally put another actor as Jack Sparrow.
    • 5. Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas (1998): Depp becomes Hunter S. Thompson. It’s apparent at this point that Depp functions best in a film that lacks a linear plot.
    • 4. Dead Man (1995): This B&W film is Depp in full Art House mode, and he fully embraces this man’s search for meaning.
    • 3. What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (1993): Of all of his roles, this almost “normal” role, despite the dysfunctional family, is also one of his most accessible for the average film fan.
    • 2. Ed Wood (1994): This is just about the pinnacle of Depp owning the ’90s as the most versatile and interesting actor. Depp has just the right respect for the real story and doesn’t flinch from giving it his all.
    • 1. Edward Scissorhands (1990): Burton and Depp are such a unique pair of weirdos that work well together. I’d say this film has aged well, but it exists almost out of time from the minute of release. Edward sums up a majority of the Depp characters on this list – don’t judge someone by how they look on the exterior.
  • This list of the worst (that I’ve seen) would start and end with The Lone Ranger (2013). Don’t hate me for leaving Donnie Brasco (1990) off of the new rankings. It’s an incredible role, it’s a great film, and I feel like he could have been replaced by any number of quality actors and the film would have not suffered. I don’t know where I’d rank Depp in terms of actors of his generation. I respect the choices that he has made, and it speaks volumes for the directors who want to work with him over and over. I respect his overall works, despite some real stinkers.

1974 in Review

• December – Superman #282 (DC Comics): Cover art by Nick Cardy. Written by Elliot S. Maggin. Art by Curt Swan. “Never let it be said that Lex Luthor’s an unfair employer!” In one story Lex Luthor de-ages Superman into Superboy but ends up having to bring him back to save himself. The other story has Superman telling Supergirl the story of “The Loneliest Man in the Universe.”
• December 29 – The contractual partnership of the Beatles was officially dissolved over four years after their last performance together.
• December 18 – The Man with the Golden Gun is Roger Moore’s second Bond film and is based upon Ian Fleming’s posthumously published novel by the same name. It’s directed by Guy Hamilton. Christopher Lee plays the titular character in this film that was not well received and threatened to end the franchise.

What the Hell Did I Put in My Mouth?

“And I’m going out of my mind
Oh, with a pain that stops and starts
Like a corkscrew to my heart
Ever since we’ve been apart” – Bob Dylan

Stay hard.

Shawn