In which Kim and Shawn determine what they would rather do than watch next week's episode.
Kim: Well, now they’ve done it. They wrote a show that was complete bullshit without one single redeeming quality. Not a one. I don’t even know where to start voicing my displeasure. And so, right now I will happily present to you a list of things I would rather do next Sunday than spend 90 minutes of my time watching complete bullshit.
I would rather pull out my old craft bag and try to work on the blanket I’ve been trying to crochet for 9 ½ years. I’m really slow and I suck at it. My rows are uneven. I go so long in between craft sessions that I have to look up how to do each of the stitches in the book and practice for 15 minutes before trying. However, I’m still better at that than Rick is at making common sense decisions, especially when it comes to the Garbage Pail Kids. I mean, she backstabbed you before, she wants to sleep with you, sculpt you, and kill you. And yet, you let her walk away in exchange for what? Your pants?
I would rather restring all the lights on my Christmas tree, now that it’s fully decorated. Sure, I’d have to take off every ornament, every aluminum icicle, every light string, every everything, and start over. This would surely cover my arms in sap and scratches and probably not be worth the effort I’d expend to do this. Sort of like Daryl running the truck into the side of the building, which accomplished absolutely nothing, other than making a mess. This was dumb and he was all by himself and blah blah blah. [Sigh]
I would rather call up my ex in-laws and invite them all to my wedding. No, I don’t care for them, nor do I have any interest in seeing them. In fact, talking to them might be downright frustrating. Kind of like how I feel about Eugene these days and his wishy-washy attitude. Sure, he’s helping Negan, but he’s also still covering for Dwight, which makes about as much sense as my ex in-laws at my wedding would make.
I would rather eat a sack of half-rotten potatoes than swallow anymore bullshit that this show is trying to feed me. I mean am I supposed to believe that Rosita and Michonne are just bailing at the last minute when they were so gung-ho to finish it moments before? Am I supposed to believe that Negan likes Eugene? Or that Eugene is going to turn in Dwight? Or that Eugene hates Gabe? Or that Tara is some kind of super-soldier? Or that Daryl can see past his hair when driving? Or that Morgan wound up being a sniper with some other people?
I would rather watch old re-runs of terrible TV shows next Sunday night. I mean, I really used to enjoy The A-Team, Riptide, or even The Fall Guy. I’m certain I can find them somewhere and if I just sit and watch, I’ll remember what I enjoyed so much about them at the end of the '80s. I can watch and giggle and laugh and I’ll be able to actually believe that they can really knock out BA Baracus before sticking him on a plane and he’ll wake up and not beat the crap out of anyone. But you know, I’ll watch TWD instead because I’m pretty sure someone I like is going to die. That’s a pretty short list these days, so my money is on Daryl or Carol. I pity the fool who doesn’t tune in anyway.
Shawn: I would rather watch the wheels on the bus go round and round. This episode brings us one step closer to ending the agony of this two-day-long half-season. We certainly leave this episode all set for a crazy ass finale next week. But we really just spun our wheels for the past couple months. I don't know that we're anyplace significantly different than we were at the end of Season Seven. I almost would rather have skipped this episode because it did one unforgivable thing, it let our characters make illogical decisions.
I would rather be Dwight's dermatologist. The one thing that has been misjudged this season is how much we care about our non-core characters. Spoiler Alert: We don't. This Sanctuary-heavy season spent way too much Sanctuary time right before the finale. Eugene is problematic. He's always been a great supporting character, good for a few one-liners. He's never pulled the interest level to carry an episode as he is asked to this week. He's just not that interesting and I had a hard time gathering up any energy to feel invested in his fate.
I'd rather skeet shoot an iPod. The problem with spending all this time with the Saviors is the false assumption that we're invested in their drama. I haven't found any of these scenes intriguing. They haven't spent their time showing us how "human" our villains can be. Nope. They still seem like dysfunctional a-holes. Even more than Eugene, I don't understand Dwight. They have gone out of the way to make Dwight sympathetic with the hopes that we'll be conflicted when he pulls a gun on Eugene. I was so disinterested, all I could wonder was how the iPod was making such loud music and if iTunes was running more quickly in the Apocalypse. Shooting it down only made the scene more pointless. Poor, iPod and RC plane. You will be missed.
I'd rather develop film in the dark room with Jadis. The Scavengers have been the worst side trip of this series. The repeat performance with Mad Max walker felt just like that, a repeat. Get naked, take pictures, fight walkers. That sounds hard to ruin but they did. Once again, logic doesn't hold. Why would Rick want to team up again? More importantly why is beating their stupid walker while nude a sign that Rick's plan is solid?
I'd rather do a garbage run with Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez. The Daryl, Tara, and Morgan plan is so half-assed and out of character that I don't even know where to start. If it was important enough to the overall story it would have got more than the few minutes it was given. They could have saved those few precious minutes and just put up pictures of those three and said "these are the hotheads". I hate that logically Daryl isn't playing to the character we knew up to this point. He's been faithful to the main crew and this lack of plan against the previous planned plan doesn't fit the Daryl we know. Is Uber Violent Daryl supposed to be a way to ease us into the idea of his death at the end of the season?
I'd rather be taking Father Gabriel's temperature the old fashioned way. I almost forgot that Father Gabriel is still kicking although suffering some infectious virus from donning all those zombie guts. Didn't Negan warn him to keep his mouth closed and not to rub his eyes or operate heavy machinery? The interaction between Father G and Eugene was pretty interesting if I had to pick one scene that didn't completely suck. The motivation for Eugene and his overall plan would have been good to drop in right here but all indications was that we're still seeing one of many different Eugene "characters". Was he Negan here? I don't give a crapple.
The finale can't get here quick enough if only to kick the time momentum forward again. See you for the mid-finale.