Dear Adam Sandler;
Go to Hell. Please. For reals.
Sincerely,
Me
When I first saw the previews for Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star — the latest travesty from Adam Sandler’s Happy Madison Productions — I thought to myself, “Whoa, that’s gonna be a rough one.” Soon, I heard what filmgoers and critics alike were saying about it. It wasn’t good. It was nowhere near good. In fact, the publicity this flick was getting was so bad, that I simply had to see it for myself. Turns out that they were right: it’s an awful flick. If Adam Sandler and his pals had any sense of shame whatsoever, they would apologize for this monstrosity, confiscate all prints, and bury it within the dark, murky depths of the Mariana Trench.
For those of you who need to know what it’s all about (two words: seek help), it’s the story of a buck-toothed, addlebrained lad from Iowa (portrayed by co-writer Nick Swardson), who discovers one night that his parents (Edward Hermann and Miriam Flynn) used to be big porn stars in the ’70s. Taking it as his cue for adult entertainment greatness, Bucky ventures off to Hollywood to become a star — something that you might not deem possible, considering he has the world’s tiniest penis, is completely naïve to the whole concept of sex in-general, and is a virgin to boot (of course, seeing as how Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star was even made, anything is possible).
Fortunately for Bucky, he makes the acquaintance of a washed-up porn producer named Miles Deep (Don Johnson, who is one of two real actors in this steamer, poor guy) discovers Larson and turns him into an overnight star (his utter lack of any noticeable manhood makes the world’s less-endowed men feel good about themselves). Christina Ricci (the other bona fide performer here and looks stunning) is on-hand as Bucky’s pseudo-girlfriend, and Stephen Dorff is the film’s villain, porn star Dick Shadow. Kevin Nealon, Pauly Shore, Jimmy Fallon (as himself), and the antichrist himself, Adam Sandler (who also co-wrote), all make an appearance here just to auger their careers into the ground that much further.
Loaded with some of the worst dick jokes and bathroom humor in history, and laced like a thick layer of arsenic with a feeling of unparalleled incompetence, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star is an absolute nightmare — one that makes It’s Pat look like a classic — which Sony Pictures Home Entertainment has somehow felt important enough (despite the fact that it bombed in theaters and everybody hated it) to release with four forgettable featurettes, one of which is a gag reel that is even less amusing than the feature film itself (as hard as that may seem to fathom). That said, the A/V aspects of this turkey are superb — but don’t make up for anything whatsoever.
Recommended only if you’re in dire need of an ipecac.
