In which Kim and Shawn are 50% more bored after being slapped in the face by this episode.
Shawn: "Keep Going. Only thing here 4 you is boredom." - me paraphrasing one of the few things I still remember about this episode.
"You know what's going to happen. It's going to be hard to watch." - Negan (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) warning us a little too late into the episode.
At some point our zombie show became The Negan Show. The network was kind enough to extend the episodes this season so we can figure out key plot points such as Negan likes lemonade, babies, ironing, and probably Richard III. We follow Negan around like the press trolls Trump's twitter feed - just to see what shocking thing he's going to say next and then cut to the people around him all apparently plotting to kill him. Right now we've set up about 17.5 different plots to kill Negan. None of which interest me anymore. If you didn't see this episode, I can sum it up for you in a few words. Everything that happened said the same thing - "The finale is next week." They were careful not to tell us too much in this super-sized episode so that they can reveal it all in the equally super-sized half-season finale.
"But it does make you a tremendous shit." - Gabriel telling the writers about their obnoxious use of a baby Judith to make us feel more danger about Negan.
The list of people who aren't going to kill Negan can start with Michonne and Rosita, so wasting parts of the episode showing us their plans makes me angry more than interested.
I've heard of people driving with Jesus on their dashboard but not on the roof of their truck.
I am finding it hard to write about anything other than Negan because they only cut away now in order to give Negan time to pee, catch his breath, or grab another lemonade. Have we just been living the same episode since the season started? It feels like whatever I have to say about the show now you could have said after the first episode of the season. I can't imagine that we're getting a Negan death next week - why would they?
Rick and Aaron are out trying to maneuver through a lake of zombies. This looked like a test for new level in The Walking Dead video game. Michonne is out building a wall of zombies like a level in a Walking Dead video game. Spencer and Father Gabriel are...well, I don't know really what their deal was this episode. But video game. See how this all supports my theory that this season is just a walk through of a new video game. Negan is the boss and if they don't kill him it's going to feel like a failure of a journey.
"I'm 50% more into you now." - what I didn't say at the end of this episode.
Kim: I'm not going to lie. I was really hopeful for this episode. This would be the one that would tie everything we've witnessed thus far together, setting us up for a mid-season finale that goes balls deep and makes me feel badly for bitching through the better part of seven episodes. Instead, I got a load of shit in a wet sock.
1.) Still no alliance between any of the groups out there. We've got Hilltop being Hilltop. We've got Daryl being a janitor. We've got Ezekiel making the ultimate booty call to Carol, with a tiger no less. We've got a bunch of angry women hanging out by the ocean. We've got Carl with Negan, Rick and Aaron running around the countryside, Michonne doing her own thing, Rosita and Eugene experiencing awkward silence while making one bullet, and Spencer and Gabriel being irrelevant. Did I cover everyone?
2.) I fully expected Daryl to break into song, based on the title of this episode. Maybe he could have reprised "Easy Street" for us or, more appropriately, "Christmas Song" by Alvin and the Chipmunks. [sigh] Either of these choices would have been much more entertaining than watching him mop up piss.
3.) We all knew Carl would be a terrible shot, based solely on his super sad performance shooting darts the other episode, but come on. How do you not just open up on Negan? And can we talk about his missing eye? My son wanted to know if "those were cobwebs". He wasn't buying it and he watches anime.
4.) What, exactly, does Michonne think she's going to do all by herself? Whistle someone to death?
5.) Jesus, take the wheel. Please. Just do your thing, get your Kung Fu on, and make everything better.
6.) I would also like to take this time to declare myself as #TeamNegan. You know why? Because I can't hate him, even though I should. I love his look, I love his demeanor, and I love the fact that he's turned on by a little slap in the face. I also love that he seems to be the only person who is actually capable of forming a coherent thought. And, he gets shit done. Also, he's aware that it's all about the titties and bats don't have pussies.
7.) I'm wondering if they have to pay for the extra helping of cursing we're getting this season. Perhaps that is where all of the money that they're saving on effects is going. I'm curious about this choice, by the way. I know this is the potty-mouthed Negan trimmed down from the comics. However, if the goal is to alienate viewers who have enjoyed the show with their little-bit-older kids because it wasn't over-the-top sexual or crude, then I think they're well on their way. I'm not necessarily complaining, by the way, but if you're at all following the huge ratings drops each week, you know something is happening. Probably a lot of little somethings. Which is more than I can say for the entire first half of this season.
8.) I find it curious that in this world of heightened feminism that the show is choosing to make only the women look like they have balls. While I think Rosita and Michonne are ridiculous in their individual quests, the only people we've seen act like they've got balls of steel are the women: Maggie, Rosita, Michonne, Sasha, Tara, and that group of chicks who are the most terrible shots in the world. And Jesus. I know, he's not a chick. Not really. Not yet, anyway.
I don't have a lot of hope for the mid-season finale and am, in fact, looking forward to the break. They've got an awful lot of work to do to tie up all of these little pieces of crap they've been tossing us in order to assemble an episode worthy of the word "finale," and I just don't see that happening. Not in 90 minutes, when it's taken us seven episodes to learn absolutely nothing, except that Negan is a likable asshole.