Even though the critics said it was a horrible movie, I took my favorite tween to see Suicide Squad this past Friday. I convinced my friend to come along by promising him the fabulous burgers across the street afterwards. So I’ve seen it. I’ve made my own decisions. I have opinions about the movie and I feel that I really need to share them with both of you who read this.
I should point out that part of my enjoyment of any movie is the giant vat of popcorn we generally plow through. Although this particular theater had the "butter your own popcorn" station (not a euphemism, sorry), I did not get any popcorn. No, I was saving room for the burger and beer I was going to consume immediately following the movie. This alone may have detracted from my experience. However, I still stand by my opinions.
Also, the movie previews that went with this totally blew. There was the jerking-off hand motion being made by one of the people in our viewing party for almost every preview. Yes, even the kid. That is how bad they were. Enough about those. Let's talk about this trainwreck of a movie with ten quick thoughts from my troubled mind.
- Why was the Joker even in this movie? How much did they pay Jared Leto for this? Never mind that Heath Ledger was the absolute best Joker that DC has ever presented in movie form. In fact, in order to purge my memories of this Joker, I went home and watched The Dark Knight again, just to see my favorite Joker. I’m not saying Leto doesn’t do a good job. I’m just saying that his character served little to no purpose in this movie.
- Will Smith. (Applause!) I think Dead Shot was my favorite character. In fact, I laughed more at good old Floyd than I did any other character, really. Will Smith being fatherly is always kind of hot, so that gave me a few moments of happiness.
- Why didn't every character get a solid intro? I get that you wanted to introduce each of your characters, so you spent time giving each a little something. But by the time you got to Captain Boomerang and the one I affectionately call, “the other dude who bit it,” you didn’t give them much of an introduction. They were the bastard members of the squad and obviously weren’t necessary. Kind of like that one chick in your squad who you invite along because you have to, otherwise Billy's not going to be your designated driver.
- Look! Up on the screen! It’s Robocop! It’s Holder! It’s...Joel Kinnaman! I liked him in The Killing, because he was kind of a dick. He’s also kind of a dick in this movie, so that really made me happy to see. If you’ve got to get yourself type-casted, it may as well be the good-guy dickhead, am I right? Stay cute, dickhead.
- There were some serious issues with fluidity in this film. Transitions were forced and scenes were jumpy. There would be random flashbacks that really didn’t need to be there. You could have put some of that in your opening montage for that character. It was really just a recipe for confusion.
- This film was about 35 minutes too long. I had to pee, because while I skipped the popcorn, I did get the giant Diet Coke. I didn’t want to go pee because with a lot of movies like this, you suffer through all of the crap, waiting for the money shot and if you get up to pee, you might miss the climax. It really is a lot like dating.
- Harley Quinn was delightfully crazy. I still think they could have made her a little less juvenile and a little more whorish and she still would have worked out. To be honest, even before she was HQ, her doctor character was the stereotypical “dumb blonde” and this really did nothing to empower women or paint psychologists in a positive light.
- Why did the Empress constantly gyrate? I’m still unsure what this was about. My only guess is that somewhere, someone felt there wasn’t enough sexuality oozing out onto the screen, so they figured since she was center screen, they’d have her do something sexy. I wouldn’t be surprised if the hip swaying was not the first choice. “Try twerking! No, no, no. That’s not right. What about pelvic thrusts? No, that’s wrong too. I know! Serpentine! That’s it!”
- I was left confused about something at the end of the movie. Little spoiler here. When Waller was being mind sucked, wasn’t she floating in some kind of jelly/fluid something or other? I mean, she comes walking out at the end there and she’s perfectly dry. Her hair and clothes don’t look messed up at all and I’m really not sure how that all happened. Also, good for you girl for always remaining the hardcore bitch.
- I will preface this one by saying I do not read comics. There may be a plausible explanation for this last thought, there may not be. Also, I like using words properly. Here's the thing. These anti-heroes don’t want to die. Their desire to live is what keeps them in line, right? So for the love of bacon, why in the hell is this called Suicide Squad? This improper use of the English language may have soured my overall opinion of this movie. I guess the "I Don't Want to Die Squad" wouldn't really be all that intimidating.
When the movie was over, my son looked at me and said, “Well? Did you like it?” My friend looked at me, then to my son and said, “I know that look on your mother’s face. She hated it.” "Hate" is a strong word. I didn’t care for it. Then again, I don’t care for much of the DC universe. I used to like several pieces of it, but they’ve all really kind of gone downhill for me.
Overall, I’d give it 3 out of 10 on the orgasm scale. There’s a bit of anticipation and heavy breathing, but in the end I’d have been more satisfied by myself on my couch re-watching The Killing because Joel Kinnaman in a dirty hoodie is far superior to Jared Leto with shiny teeth. The after-burgers & beer though, were a 9 out of 10. I needed cheddar cheese instead of American, and a second Pineapple Sculpin.